I admit, I don't like to dwell on the negative. I'd rather write a post about 'The Five Traits You Need to Thrive Beyond Your Divorce' (that one's coming) But, I couldn't step over this post because sometimes we all need a little something to make us sit up and take notice. And that's what this is: a wake-up call to all the amazing divorced moms out there (and to the moms about to embark on their own divorce journey).

 

I talk with a lot of women and moms about divorce. We talk about the joys, the challenges, the hopes and the fears. I hear a lot of differing perspectives and experiences. However, over the years I've noticed that there are some common mistakes and misconceptions about recovering from divorce, and about living a happy life after divorce. These 'mistakes' will rob you of your peace, joy and well-being. They will get in the way of you being all you can be, and they will make your divorce journey much more painful than it needs to be. I don't want that for any of you.

 

Mistakes you don't want to make:

 

1. Putting yourself last. 'But, there isn't time/money/energy for me.' 'It would be selfish.' 'Someone needs to raise the kids.' 'I feel guilty.' 'I don't deserve it'..... any of this sound familiar? As a divorce coach, I've heard every excuse there is. As a divorced mom myself, I've used some of those same excuses. Here's the hard truth: putting yourself last will only last so long. It's unsustainable over time. You will burn out, and your relationships & quality of life will suffer. Not only that, but your children will suffer if you don't invest in yourself daily - if you continue putting yourself last. You can't give your family what they need (a vibrant, confident, healthy mother) if you are ignoring your needs and putting yourself last. So, how to turn it around? Start simple. Start with your mind-set, your perspective. Start believing that you DO matter, that your happiness and well-being are important (THEY ARE!!) As you start to open up to the idea that taking better care of yourself is a GOOD thing, you'll begin to notice little ways you can put yourself first: getting more rest instead of watching that late-night tv show; taking a walk after dinner; starting a hobby, just because. None of this will take away from your children, or make you a bad mom. Instead, you'll be role-modeling self-respect, acceptance and commitment to one's purpose in life. Over time, you'll give your family the gift of a happy, confident mommy who pursues her dreams. And that just rocks.

 

2. Loose Boundaries: Saying yes when you mean no. Doing things out of obligation or guilt. Staying in relationships or friendships that are toxic. Personal habits that don't serve you. Not being able to say 'no' to your children when you need to do so. When you don't have clear boundaries, or you are unable to hold boundaries, you end up giving your life away. You forfeit your dreams. It leads to chaos and unhappiness, chronic stress and an unfulfilled life. Setting clear, loving and consistent boundaries is one of the most powerful things you can do as a divorced mom. When you are clear about who you are and what you want, about your values and needs, and you are able to graciously set emotionally-healthy boundaries, you will flourish. Next time you get that nagging feeling that you are being a doormat, take a time-out. Assess what you would really like to be doing, or how you would like to handle the situation, and think of ways you can draw boundaries that would give you what you need. Drop the guilt too. Setting boundaries is a good thing.

 

3. Thinking it will just 'get better with time': Thriving after your divorce is a choice. It requires self-examination and effort. It's pro-active. It doesn't just 'happen' with time. The slow passage of time makes the status quo seem normal. In other words, when you just rely on time for your healing, you'll get used to the painful feelings and discontent your divorce has caused, and you'll stop reaching for something better. Life will get a little better with the passage of time, but not much better. You'll survive your divorce, but you won't thrive. Instead of waiting for time to help you feel better, actively seek out your own personal awareness and personal growth. Make healing an active process in your life.

 

4. Trying to fit in: This is a tough one. You lose much (if not all) of your social circle when you get divorced. People you NEVER thought would become distant, do. Invites to events you always attended begin to come less often. Friends you used to go out with stop calling. It hurts. It does. It's hard not to take it personally, especially when you are in that great void between married life and a fully-embraced divorced life. And because of the hurt and the loneliness, the mistake many women make is to try to continue fitting into their formerly married lives. The truth is, you are not the same woman as you were before your divorce. It would be impossible to be that same woman as the ending of a marriage is a life-altering event. You're different now - NOT WORSE - just different. You are better, stronger, more courageous and infinitely more beautiful. Start embracing the 'new you' - the woman who has surmounted big odds and landed on her feet - the woman who is facing her challenges graciously - and stop trying to fit into the 'old' you. Trust that the void you feel will soon be filled up with loving, appreciative people who see and adore the 'new' you.

 

5. Assuming it's 'just the way it is': Making assumptions is a sure-fire way to not thrive after divorce. Assumptions will stunt your growth and keep you in a limited mindset. Some common assumptions divorced moms make: assuming life will always be difficult, lonely, less fulfilling than before. Assuming that they have limited options now that they are divorced. Assuming their ex will never change. Every time you make an assumption, you are saying to the Universe: 'That's it. There can be no other way.' You are saying it/he/she/they will NEVER change, that circumstances never change, or that we only get a few possibilities in life. Open yourself to all that is possible. Stop assuming, because the truth is, you never know what options are waiting for you.